Family Fun....NOT!

I sometimes feel bad about being away when the traumatic stuff is going on like when my mom had her cancer scare, or when she first decided to leave her husband. I wanted to be there for support, but I knew that she pretty much had it covered by everyone else. Other than recently on this blog and talking with my husband do I ever really open up and let my true feelings fly. But I can tell you that in the less than a week that I have been here in Missouri with my family, I would give anything to be safe with my husband and children and not be under the watchful eye of my gestapo grandmother.

When I was a little girl she was everything to me, she took me places when my mom would be sick she would be there to clean the house, I recall a time when my mom was having a dependency issue with prescription medications(ohhh now you see my final paper reasoning) and she came to our house and ripped my mom apart saying she was going to take my sisters and I away. Oh course we would have none of this and my mom brought herself out of her stupor to tell her to get the hell out. My mom straightened up a bit and grandma kept her distance for quite sometime. Throughout the years I have come to my grandparents for guidance in my spiritual life, I have always known as an adult to stay away from her to not tell her anything that she can misconstrue and use to make you look bad to the whole family, but the call of how are you and I love you comes about once a month. I am two days into being here in Missouri getting my work lined up, getting caught up on some school and here comes my grandmother and grandpa, she starts in on me tellling me my oldest son raises his brothers and sisters, says I have brainwashed my son, and he had better hope he can get in the military so he can have a life. Oh did I mention she was calling my husband a loser and fat? Who does that I thought only children stoop to the name calling.  I had finally had enough of the wrath of grandma and I said who do you think you are claiming these things? Do you live in my house? Are you around me? Do I call you with anything other than a hello and I love you? No, I do not so where do you get off? She  based her whole idea of Zach as my little slave boy from 5 years ago when we all went to my aunts and I had asked Zach to please grab the bad out of the car so I can get the kids suits on. How dare I? So to sum it up I am sick of people thinking they can assume and speak to me in whatever fashion they feel. Whey can people not over judge and keep hurtful things like that to themselves knowing damn good and well they are prefabricated misconceptions based on one instance blown out of proportion.

I received an I am sorry call later, but I will never forgive or forget what she said to me that day, one can take so much and I can take nothing more from some of my family. I an only here to help the true ones I love, this is very hard to do but for them I will deal with this crap from her. She had surgery the other day I did not even bother to go and check on her, mom did she can continue to put up with her, no wonder my mom has the lowest self esteem I have ever seen she never gets positive feedback from her parents just negative. You would think getting up there in age one would love and cherish there family and not stomp on them like she does. She thinks she can say and do what makes her feel better, I know she wont die alone, but I will not be around, I want to remember her for the woman that cared for me not this monster she has become, or maybe always has been I was just blinded.

Surprise

I really would like to say I am happy I started this blog, it has been a wonderful outlet for me and I will continue to post in it weekly, even if I will be the only one reading it .

Since last week quite a few things have happened, one my son went to the state championship, and they lost by a small margin. I watched my son give his all and come up short not from his lack of trying but failure for teammates to give the same 100% as he does. I wish I could have fixed that boo boo but I was not able to, but in my book my son will always be a champion no mater what. As I had mentioned last week I had a job opportunity in Missouri and my husband was very much against it, after talking and cohorcing him I am now in Missouri.

I have mentioned in the past how I have children and have been married for 12 years, in that 12 years there have been times when my husband has had to be away from us for periods of time for work, but never have I left because of a job. I am at my mothers house right now and I am lost without my family. When you are young your mom, siblings, grandparents, etc are your world, and you just cannot imagine life without them around all the time, they are your safe zone, your shelter when times are tough, I just don't see that as the case in my life now, my safe zone is with my husband and children, and I feel so vulnerable and lost without them. I am a big girl, I can do this, but I never realized how secure and safe I felt with my husband and kids until now. There are the little things that you take for granted when you are without your spouse, I am used to in the middle of the night curling up when I'm cold, for the past few nights I have froze, not from real cold,but lack of that constant right beside me. I miss the MOM!!! I need toilet paper from the bathroom, it is the small things that mean so much, and that is why I know I have to trudge through and do what I am doing right now to ensure we will all be ok.

Struggles

I have been using my blog as an outlet for many of the things I am going through in my life now or in the past, and I am finding this to help heal or even get me through the tough times, and brag about some of the good.

As I had mentioned in a blog a few weeks ago living in Georgia is really wearing on me, not only finacially, and I will get into that in few moments, but also in my relationship with my husband. I want to start off by saying I love him with all my heart and soul, I don't show it very much, I blame this on my lack of ability to let certain things go at times in our lives, things said in arguments, things done by each other and other people. I want to let go, I know he loves me, I cannot picture my life without him, so how do I fix this? How do I let go? I feel vulnerable when I let go at times, and I don't like to feel that way, I don't like not being in control of a situation, I don't like being hurt and I am always waiting for that to happen.  Financial worries  I would say  are 90% of our problems, but those cause the worst fights, because they are always there. He has a talent that can in one minute can cause a financial uptern for us, me what can I do right now? I have searched the internet high and low for work in our area, I find nothing. I send out resumes and all but beg for people to look at me but after they receive the first 150, I guess mine never gets seen. I guess what I am saying is I feel really bad about myself, and in turn I am hurting the people I love the most in my life. I have found an opportunity to stay with my mom to help us get out of the finacial rut we are in, and to me it is a great thing in a way. I have to leave my family behind for a few weeks, but I feel that is a small sacrifice to make if it means helping them. My husband hates it my kids won't talk about it with me, but I wish they would understand I cannot keep feeling the way I do, I feel like I do nothing to help, I feel like a burden to my husband and at times in a fight he will tell me so, I know this is anger coming from our situation, and I have to let it go, because I do more than say words, I push away, and don't give love at all. I try I want to, but it goes back to how? I know in order to love my husband and my children like they deserve I have to feel useful, I have to feel like I am helping my family, I only wish they knew how bad I feel, how much I want to fix everything wrong.

A true daddy

So many people are the victims of a broken home, and I am one of the many. When I was 3 my mom and my "real" dad split up they were young and had me young and it just didn't work out, about a year later my mom meets my soon to be step dad. I did not like him at the time, he was not my daddy, and I resented his very presence. As time went on my daddy does not come around anymore, and I don't understand why two new little girls are in my old room and there is a mean lady calling me names in my old house. Those nasty visits get few and far between to where I never see my daddy, and he becomes a memory. On holidays I would get presents sent to my grandmother's house, but he never showed, he claims it was to protect me from my stepmother and her family, but I think now as an adult he should have gone about protecting me in a different way than forgetting me totally. As I had mentioned my mom remarried and as my daddy shows up less and less, my dad starts becoming real to me. My step dad was the one that tucked me in at night, he was the one that would help me with my homework, watch me grow, and as I got older he was the one to help mend that broken heart that every teen girl goes through. But yet again , I did not realize that my dad was my dad, and I resented him for not being my true daddy, until I became a mom myself, all the things my dad had done for me comes rushing back, and I realized I had my daddy all along, and I had to call him and tell him I was sorry for being mad at him and telling him he was not my dad when I did not get my way. As I look back that look in his eye haunts me when I would say such hurtful things, but my true daddy understood and never loved me any less, he understood the hurt I felt for being rejected at such a young age by my father, and like a true daddy forgave me and to this day my dad and I are close.

I thought of my dad today because like my me, my son has had his biological father ignore him, and my husband has stepped up and been the father to him that his dad would not. It takes more than genetics to be a dad, and I have had two people in my life step up where others shirked their responsibilities. You know the funny thing about the two useless dads is they are men of seemingly upstanding positions. My real father is an elected sheriff, and my sons father is an Army Ranger, people walk up to my son's father and thank him for all he does, yet he could not love his son, or pay the ordered support, I wish sometimes these perfect men could be exposed for what they are deadbeats, and the true fathers be truly acknowledged, but by being who they are and what they do, the true daddies  are the ones that don't need to be glorified maybe a simple daddy I love you is recognition enough.