Struggles

I have been using my blog as an outlet for many of the things I am going through in my life now or in the past, and I am finding this to help heal or even get me through the tough times, and brag about some of the good.

As I had mentioned in a blog a few weeks ago living in Georgia is really wearing on me, not only finacially, and I will get into that in few moments, but also in my relationship with my husband. I want to start off by saying I love him with all my heart and soul, I don't show it very much, I blame this on my lack of ability to let certain things go at times in our lives, things said in arguments, things done by each other and other people. I want to let go, I know he loves me, I cannot picture my life without him, so how do I fix this? How do I let go? I feel vulnerable when I let go at times, and I don't like to feel that way, I don't like not being in control of a situation, I don't like being hurt and I am always waiting for that to happen.  Financial worries  I would say  are 90% of our problems, but those cause the worst fights, because they are always there. He has a talent that can in one minute can cause a financial uptern for us, me what can I do right now? I have searched the internet high and low for work in our area, I find nothing. I send out resumes and all but beg for people to look at me but after they receive the first 150, I guess mine never gets seen. I guess what I am saying is I feel really bad about myself, and in turn I am hurting the people I love the most in my life. I have found an opportunity to stay with my mom to help us get out of the finacial rut we are in, and to me it is a great thing in a way. I have to leave my family behind for a few weeks, but I feel that is a small sacrifice to make if it means helping them. My husband hates it my kids won't talk about it with me, but I wish they would understand I cannot keep feeling the way I do, I feel like I do nothing to help, I feel like a burden to my husband and at times in a fight he will tell me so, I know this is anger coming from our situation, and I have to let it go, because I do more than say words, I push away, and don't give love at all. I try I want to, but it goes back to how? I know in order to love my husband and my children like they deserve I have to feel useful, I have to feel like I am helping my family, I only wish they knew how bad I feel, how much I want to fix everything wrong.