Family Fun....NOT!

I sometimes feel bad about being away when the traumatic stuff is going on like when my mom had her cancer scare, or when she first decided to leave her husband. I wanted to be there for support, but I knew that she pretty much had it covered by everyone else. Other than recently on this blog and talking with my husband do I ever really open up and let my true feelings fly. But I can tell you that in the less than a week that I have been here in Missouri with my family, I would give anything to be safe with my husband and children and not be under the watchful eye of my gestapo grandmother.

When I was a little girl she was everything to me, she took me places when my mom would be sick she would be there to clean the house, I recall a time when my mom was having a dependency issue with prescription medications(ohhh now you see my final paper reasoning) and she came to our house and ripped my mom apart saying she was going to take my sisters and I away. Oh course we would have none of this and my mom brought herself out of her stupor to tell her to get the hell out. My mom straightened up a bit and grandma kept her distance for quite sometime. Throughout the years I have come to my grandparents for guidance in my spiritual life, I have always known as an adult to stay away from her to not tell her anything that she can misconstrue and use to make you look bad to the whole family, but the call of how are you and I love you comes about once a month. I am two days into being here in Missouri getting my work lined up, getting caught up on some school and here comes my grandmother and grandpa, she starts in on me tellling me my oldest son raises his brothers and sisters, says I have brainwashed my son, and he had better hope he can get in the military so he can have a life. Oh did I mention she was calling my husband a loser and fat? Who does that I thought only children stoop to the name calling.  I had finally had enough of the wrath of grandma and I said who do you think you are claiming these things? Do you live in my house? Are you around me? Do I call you with anything other than a hello and I love you? No, I do not so where do you get off? She  based her whole idea of Zach as my little slave boy from 5 years ago when we all went to my aunts and I had asked Zach to please grab the bad out of the car so I can get the kids suits on. How dare I? So to sum it up I am sick of people thinking they can assume and speak to me in whatever fashion they feel. Whey can people not over judge and keep hurtful things like that to themselves knowing damn good and well they are prefabricated misconceptions based on one instance blown out of proportion.

I received an I am sorry call later, but I will never forgive or forget what she said to me that day, one can take so much and I can take nothing more from some of my family. I an only here to help the true ones I love, this is very hard to do but for them I will deal with this crap from her. She had surgery the other day I did not even bother to go and check on her, mom did she can continue to put up with her, no wonder my mom has the lowest self esteem I have ever seen she never gets positive feedback from her parents just negative. You would think getting up there in age one would love and cherish there family and not stomp on them like she does. She thinks she can say and do what makes her feel better, I know she wont die alone, but I will not be around, I want to remember her for the woman that cared for me not this monster she has become, or maybe always has been I was just blinded.

Surprise

I really would like to say I am happy I started this blog, it has been a wonderful outlet for me and I will continue to post in it weekly, even if I will be the only one reading it .

Since last week quite a few things have happened, one my son went to the state championship, and they lost by a small margin. I watched my son give his all and come up short not from his lack of trying but failure for teammates to give the same 100% as he does. I wish I could have fixed that boo boo but I was not able to, but in my book my son will always be a champion no mater what. As I had mentioned last week I had a job opportunity in Missouri and my husband was very much against it, after talking and cohorcing him I am now in Missouri.

I have mentioned in the past how I have children and have been married for 12 years, in that 12 years there have been times when my husband has had to be away from us for periods of time for work, but never have I left because of a job. I am at my mothers house right now and I am lost without my family. When you are young your mom, siblings, grandparents, etc are your world, and you just cannot imagine life without them around all the time, they are your safe zone, your shelter when times are tough, I just don't see that as the case in my life now, my safe zone is with my husband and children, and I feel so vulnerable and lost without them. I am a big girl, I can do this, but I never realized how secure and safe I felt with my husband and kids until now. There are the little things that you take for granted when you are without your spouse, I am used to in the middle of the night curling up when I'm cold, for the past few nights I have froze, not from real cold,but lack of that constant right beside me. I miss the MOM!!! I need toilet paper from the bathroom, it is the small things that mean so much, and that is why I know I have to trudge through and do what I am doing right now to ensure we will all be ok.

Struggles

I have been using my blog as an outlet for many of the things I am going through in my life now or in the past, and I am finding this to help heal or even get me through the tough times, and brag about some of the good.

As I had mentioned in a blog a few weeks ago living in Georgia is really wearing on me, not only finacially, and I will get into that in few moments, but also in my relationship with my husband. I want to start off by saying I love him with all my heart and soul, I don't show it very much, I blame this on my lack of ability to let certain things go at times in our lives, things said in arguments, things done by each other and other people. I want to let go, I know he loves me, I cannot picture my life without him, so how do I fix this? How do I let go? I feel vulnerable when I let go at times, and I don't like to feel that way, I don't like not being in control of a situation, I don't like being hurt and I am always waiting for that to happen.  Financial worries  I would say  are 90% of our problems, but those cause the worst fights, because they are always there. He has a talent that can in one minute can cause a financial uptern for us, me what can I do right now? I have searched the internet high and low for work in our area, I find nothing. I send out resumes and all but beg for people to look at me but after they receive the first 150, I guess mine never gets seen. I guess what I am saying is I feel really bad about myself, and in turn I am hurting the people I love the most in my life. I have found an opportunity to stay with my mom to help us get out of the finacial rut we are in, and to me it is a great thing in a way. I have to leave my family behind for a few weeks, but I feel that is a small sacrifice to make if it means helping them. My husband hates it my kids won't talk about it with me, but I wish they would understand I cannot keep feeling the way I do, I feel like I do nothing to help, I feel like a burden to my husband and at times in a fight he will tell me so, I know this is anger coming from our situation, and I have to let it go, because I do more than say words, I push away, and don't give love at all. I try I want to, but it goes back to how? I know in order to love my husband and my children like they deserve I have to feel useful, I have to feel like I am helping my family, I only wish they knew how bad I feel, how much I want to fix everything wrong.

A true daddy

So many people are the victims of a broken home, and I am one of the many. When I was 3 my mom and my "real" dad split up they were young and had me young and it just didn't work out, about a year later my mom meets my soon to be step dad. I did not like him at the time, he was not my daddy, and I resented his very presence. As time went on my daddy does not come around anymore, and I don't understand why two new little girls are in my old room and there is a mean lady calling me names in my old house. Those nasty visits get few and far between to where I never see my daddy, and he becomes a memory. On holidays I would get presents sent to my grandmother's house, but he never showed, he claims it was to protect me from my stepmother and her family, but I think now as an adult he should have gone about protecting me in a different way than forgetting me totally. As I had mentioned my mom remarried and as my daddy shows up less and less, my dad starts becoming real to me. My step dad was the one that tucked me in at night, he was the one that would help me with my homework, watch me grow, and as I got older he was the one to help mend that broken heart that every teen girl goes through. But yet again , I did not realize that my dad was my dad, and I resented him for not being my true daddy, until I became a mom myself, all the things my dad had done for me comes rushing back, and I realized I had my daddy all along, and I had to call him and tell him I was sorry for being mad at him and telling him he was not my dad when I did not get my way. As I look back that look in his eye haunts me when I would say such hurtful things, but my true daddy understood and never loved me any less, he understood the hurt I felt for being rejected at such a young age by my father, and like a true daddy forgave me and to this day my dad and I are close.

I thought of my dad today because like my me, my son has had his biological father ignore him, and my husband has stepped up and been the father to him that his dad would not. It takes more than genetics to be a dad, and I have had two people in my life step up where others shirked their responsibilities. You know the funny thing about the two useless dads is they are men of seemingly upstanding positions. My real father is an elected sheriff, and my sons father is an Army Ranger, people walk up to my son's father and thank him for all he does, yet he could not love his son, or pay the ordered support, I wish sometimes these perfect men could be exposed for what they are deadbeats, and the true fathers be truly acknowledged, but by being who they are and what they do, the true daddies  are the ones that don't need to be glorified maybe a simple daddy I love you is recognition enough.

One Proud Mom!

My oldest son is Zachary, I have described him at one time as my lifesaver, because without him coming along 17 almost 18 years ago, I really don't know where or how messed up my life would be right now. I was a teen mom I had him exactly one month after I myself turned 18, I was doing what I wanted when I wanted and had no desire to do anything but that until he came along. I was in a bad relationship and Zach and I stayed for two years, and I decided for my son and my sanity we had to go. So off we go to start our lives.


Fast forward about 4 years and that will put Zach at about 6 years old, my new husband and I have enrolled him in school and they have a flag football program, my son wants to play,and of course my husband being the former football player jumps at seeing him learn to play the great sport, little did I know that this would be the beginning of a large part of all of our lives for years to come. I would like to say that my son not only unknowingly saved me from myself, but when he wants to do something he does it right. Fast forward a few more years and we are in 8th grade ball, Zach not only played offense and defense he also was an honors athlete maintaining a B average while giving his all on the football field. Freshman year comes along and that puts us in Atlanta, and a whole new school and environment, the coaches at first blew him off at just a glance, little did they know that "white boy" from the midwest had his mind set on a position and he showed everyone what he was made of, it turns out not only did my son start he became team captain, and he was the first Freshman in 10 years to play Varsity. He never gave up and proved his worth so never judge a book by its cover. Here we are Junior year of high school, and that dedication to football has never let up, Zach leads his team in tackles and QB sacks, college scouts are after my son, and this year he has a shot at the state championship. My heart aches through every game, to see my son give his all and never settles. I see my son moving on to play college ball, and possibly go even further. He being the fighter that he is with many things at times in his life stacked against him, gives me the drive I need to push forward in my education. In a few weeks I will see my son the State Champ I know it in my heart and when I see his hard work pay off I will cry the same tears of joy as the first day I laid my eyes on him, except it is seeing through him a small part of his dream come true and that is be a champ, but to me he will always be my champ. I love you son!

My Southern Hel%

 Two years ago my family and I moved to Georgia,we left my family and friends, my home, and my job that I so truly loved, we moved to accommodate my husband's work load in Atlanta. Well, one would think that moving for work and leaving your family is  sad, but happy all in one because it was supposed to be the answer to our struggling tile and marble business in St. Louis, the totally opposite thing happened those promised construction jobs, fell through and got pulled. So now here I sit in my own personal hell, the south. You hear about southern hospitality, well I am hear to tell you that is the biggest myth of all time as it does not exist. I have never met more hateful, spiteful, passive aggressive people in my whole life. Don't bother leaving a voice mail for someone, they will not call you back, and the super Christian oh my gosh they are in mass abundance here, you know what I'm talking about the person who will quote every verse from the bible, but the one they so often forget is the "judge not lest you be judged yourself". The public school system is one of the worst in the country, so I home school my children, and they are missing out on the fun stuff elementary school has to offer, well its home school or them be left behind because the focus is on the children that cannot speak English ,

Well, I am happy to say that after the holidays my Mid -Western rear is moving back were it belongs, the Mid -West, not St. Louis but  back to Milwaukee where my family started, where I first felt my independence and grew as a person. Good bye to the scorching heat, and hello to the snow. I will be attending an actual nursing school there, and my husband has many job opportunities as do I. I will take these last 2 years as a learning experience, they have made me stronger,and more determined. I cannot wait to brush  this red Georgia clay off my shoes and be happy again.

One long week

Since this is my first true blog other than the test one I am going to write about the week I just had, and hopefully for a few of you get you to change your habits just a bit.

Well as usual my week starts on Monday, just like everyone else, I would like to go on the record saying I truly hate Monday's and it seems like last Monday would solidify my true dislike for them, so onto my hell week.
It seems to be a normal day I wake up start coffee, wake the kids up, get breakfast ready, get them dressed, and start their homeschool day, all normal. Later on I call my mom, and I find out she is going to the doctor that day, oh yes everyone this is where it starts to get good, so I ask her why she has to go to the doctor and she says well, since her surgery on her legs for her varicose vein issue she has had problems breathing, of course the first thing I do is ask for how long and she replies for about a week or more, I tell her to never wait that long it could be a clot, we all know that most pulmonary embolisms start in the veins of the legs, and having had surgery I am freaking. Now, keep in mind I cannot go with my mom she lives about 550 miles away so I make her promise to call me after she speaks with the doc. Time goes by no call, as I sit at my oldest son's football practice I call her. She informs me that she has to get x-rays, ct scans, and blood work the next day,now on top of my mom having just had surgery, she also in a short amount of time has lost 20 pounds and she has not tried to or changed anything about her lifestyle, what I have failed to mention so far is she is a smoker and has been since she has been 15, and is now 54. What I find out from her is she is being tested for lung cancer, and the doctor is leaning towards this diagnoses, she has been keeping her ill health from me for quite sometime. I automatically freak, and think of all the what ifs, and I start to pray, I pray that there is no cancer, and I pray that if he has to teach her a lesson please let in be COPD, and not the big C. I knew the next 24-48 hours would be hell on everyone that loves her. I started to think about curling up in the bend of her legs as a little girl, and all the laughs we had as I got older, and I started wondering how I was going to watch my mom die all because of cigarettes and her inability to quit all this time. I found myself feeling as if I was being cheated out of having my mom in my life, and how my children would never truly know how great of a person my mom really is. I was finding myself mad at my mom for putting me through this worry, and I felt bad for being mad at her. So Tuesday comes around after a night of no sleep, tears, and puffy eyes, I call my  mom and she is getting ready to go to get the tests done, and I just kept telling her I loved her,and it was all going to work out. Mom gets the tests done the doctor puts a stat order on them, and what happens he is not in the office that day, so its another long waiting game, and the only thing they are able to say is no blood clot in her lung, another day of worry, another night of no sleep, and here comes Wednesday, I know this is the big day, I find out if she is going to live or if she was going to die a horrible painful death. My phone rings at 9:30 am and it is my mom, the doctor read her scans and no cancer, I thought I would smile, I cried, I cried tears of relief and it took awhile to sink in because even though it was only a couple days of worry every thought goes through your mind, and not one good.

My mom is now being treated for COPD, she is going to get better with time, she has quit smoking and I am so proud, I really think it was a wake-up call for her, and for that she is blessed and so are we. Now, here goes my little speech on smoking. I smoked off and on for a few years, and I quit over 2 I know how hard it is to quit, but no one said life if easy. I wanted to live and be healthy for my kids, and myself. If you are a smoker please know what I just described my mom going through will happen to you, and if you have people that love you, how I described how I felt, they your loved ones will feel. If you don't love yourself enough to quit, do it for them, don't let them feel those awful feelings, but if you are taking the steps to go to school to better yourself, that tells me you do care.

My week ended on a positive note though, my oldest son's team is number one in the region, and he has a good chance of obtaining a high school football championship, how wonderful is that to put on his college application?